The Probability of Love | 爱的概率 (CH|EN)

INTRO: 很荣幸被朋友邀请给她们的初创杂志Ejaculation | 寸身贡献了一篇短文。第一期的主题是「我恨你,I love you」。我觉得爱与恨其实同属同一个根源,而爱的反义词其实不是恨,而是不爱。I was honored to be invited by a friend to contribute a short article to their startup magazine Ejaculation | 寸身. The theme of the first issue is “I hate you, I love you”. I think love and hate actually belong to the same root, and the antonym of love is not hate, but unlove. The English version comes after the Chinese version. It was being translated by DeepL with some small edition made by myself. If you found any grammar errors, or want to suggest any better way of rephrasing the sentences, please let me know in the comments.

爱的概率

A不认为自己是决定论者,但她觉得这个世界上很多事都多少是由概率决定好的。

两天前,A在工作途中突然毫无意识地睡了过去。她对此感到有一些意外。以前她也有过极度疲惫的时候,但是大多仍然能够保持意识清醒。这次的意外睡眠似乎在暗示着某种阈值的超越,让她不得不重新计算身体对过度劳动的忍耐力。忍耐力的降低通常和年龄的增长呈正比。A觉得自己的身体仿佛一个不断被用旧的电池,等哪天电再也充不进去了,自己也就没有了任何价值。她的合伙人B敏锐地察觉到了她的生无可恋,决定强制性地给她放一次假。被撵回家的A也不知自己该干些什么,只能躺在床上,将自己丢进大脑里。

A在自己的大脑里建立了一个人体冷冻库,里面封存着一些她曾经喜欢过的人。她走到其中一个冷冻装置面前,低头看着里面的少年。少年闭着双眼,赤裸身体,没有呼吸。A俯下身,舔舐了一会他左边的眼睑,接着舔舐了右边的眼睑。然后她贴着装置坐了下来,头垂降在右手上,再用左手握住少年的左手,开始重复性的轻抚。

这个世界太自然了,但这种自然才是最不自然的地方。比如只要掷足够多次数的硬币,那么整体而言硬币是正面的概率就会稳定在50%。然而,为什么不是10%,或是90%?A想到,随机播放只有在不随机的时候才会让人类觉得自然,又想到了宇宙的一些常数,像极了黑箱调试后得出的结果。当然,用计算机比喻宇宙,就像是在尝试用子集概括超集,属于盲人摸象,A想。

A重新将眼睛聚焦到眼前的少年身上,用手里的粉色蜡笔在他的身上涂鸦。先从眼角开始,连接到颈部的大动脉,然后是锁骨。蜡笔顺着锁骨划到左边,继续往下,停住。A在少年的胸前画了一个粉红色的爱心,又在肚脐上画了一个圈。这可是名副其实的生命之眼呀,A忍不住地亲了一下少年的肚脐。待切割好后,A丢掉蜡笔,少年瞬间被分解成了一块一块的立体几何,浮上空中。A在刚变出的椅子上坐下,将冷冻室的地面置换成没过膝盖的绿草。她将屋顶掀开,阳光直射下来,投在白银透粉的少年块的表皮上。没被表皮覆盖的腥红血肉与深绿色的植被形成深刻的对比。真美啊。A像观赏艺术品一样观赏着少年块,一阵清爽的风吹过A微卷的头发。

从小,A对色彩的感知力就极强,而对明暗与结构的感知力较弱。上美术课时,A总是画不对人体结构,但对色彩与线条的掌控却能让她的画看起来完成度很高,就像文艺复兴前的宗教绘画里所用的伎俩那样。A也喜欢在她的画里加入一些几何体。她对理性的形状有一种沉迷,但在画里,这些规整的边界却又被一些不规则的线条打破。100%的规律和100%的无序都会让A觉得无聊,一个是过于可预测,一个是太过不可预测。A的朋友里也不乏拥有无数看似矛盾特质的人。她认为这是一种包容万象的生命力。

她自己也是一个矛盾着的人。每次结束一段关系的时候,A便会无法控制地的回想自己之前为了维持关系而失去自我、妥协对方的片段。她的自我会被分解成无数个旁观者,不断地嘲笑她、指责她,嗔怒于她的愚昧,让她无比羞愧。为了让这些纷乱的想法停止,A产生了强烈的恨意。她要向那些责怪她的自我证明自己的决心–只有将那个少年肢解,自己才值得被它们认可,才能赎罪,A想。

A继续望着悬浮在空中的少年块。有机体与无机体之间的冲击,宁静的风景与血腥的肉块之间的反差,深红与深绿的绝佳比例,让A的心情非常舒畅。死物不会有想法,也不会伤害别人,这让A觉得安心。而且只有在这种绝对的压制下,你才是属于我的,A想,但没敢让她的其它自我知道。

B打了个电话过来,A接起。
 在电话结束之前:
  A拿起了(一段废纸条):
   当一段废纸条无法继续分割时:
    停止。
   当一段废止条能够被A继续分割时:
    A将一段废纸条从中间撕开;
    A拿起了(左边的废纸条);
    A拿起了(右边的废纸条);

电话结束了,A的面前多了一堆碎纸片。在和人聊天的时候,A总是会做一些重复性的小动作。比如她和那个少年最后一次通话的时候,她就在一个齿一个齿的拨弄一把梳子。最终梳子上的一个齿被她拨断,像是个预兆。B的这个电话来得恰到好处,A终于可以从她的幻想里稍微拔出来一会。

人际关系一直是A的一个痛点。在学校长期经受霸凌,在家被父母情绪操控,使得A逐渐变得固执,讨好他人,恐惧社交。A隐约记得在上小学前,自己像是一个质子,不断向外投射,乐于麻烦别人。但是后来,她开始经常在她的脑内杀人。有时候被A“杀害”的人,只是在一些小事上冒犯到了她,但A只有将他们丢进脑内的绞肉机,才能和他们继续心平气和地对话。A觉得自己真是一个圣人,没有把脑内的行为付诸行动。再后来,即使是与亲近的人有着愉悦的对话,A也会不自主地产生伤害他们的幻想。A想要看他们被自己伤害后不可置信的表情与被痛苦扭曲的面容。当刀片划过他们反射着自然光的瞳孔,当重物从右侧横撞上他们引以为傲的大脑…

对A来说,最可怕的“敌人”往往是看不见的。它藏在每一个人的脑海里,欲望里,层层叠加,变幻莫测,甚至有了自己的生命力。但实际上,A宁愿她的敌人是个能和她掐架的人。这样她只要去强身健体,习得十八般武术,就能像打怪一样和她生命中的一切苦难做斗争。然而,文明演化至今,世界上死于暴力的人数在每个世纪都在减少,A实在找不到可以掐架的人。她的敌人存在于被叠加起来的群体性思维与行为里,它们无处不在,且能不断被自己与周围的人内化,加强。贫穷、疾病、偏见、消费主义、社交成瘾、抑郁、攀比、内卷、焦虑、 回声室,哪一个不比具象怪要难打的多,A想。

快凌晨一点了,A关上灯,打开了色情网站。她小时候有过频繁的睡眠瘫痪,俗称“鬼压床”。刚开始,睡瘫让她感到很害怕,后来就慢慢习惯了。A会静静地等脑海里风暴过去,然后睁开眼看会手机,再入睡。睡瘫像打喷嚏,A能感知到它何时开始,但避免不了。有时候A能够通过睡瘫体验飞到天花板上的感觉;有时候会听到她自己脑海里的各种声音在她耳边用很真实地争吵、大喊;有时候A能够在脑海里看到一些电闪雷鸣的绚丽幻觉。她觉得很有意思,但她不知道这是因为她的脑袋里有一颗肿瘤。

A继续划动页面,但没有点开任何视频。色情网站里90%的内容依然充斥着大量的男性凝视,每次刷视频都仿佛在屎里淘金。体验还不如先前在一个音频社交软件里听大家直播叫床好。刚开始谈恋爱的时候,A还是一个比较传统专一的人。后来她交到了一些能够交心的好朋友,也有了自己的事业,便对一对一绑定的亲密关系没了太多的兴趣。A并非不向往合拍又长期的亲密关系,但这种关系发生的概率过于小了。况且世界上还有其它更有意思的事情可以去做,A想。最有意思的莫过于A与好友B在五年前创办的教育平台。

最开始的时候A和B接受了大约200位出身贫困的学生。他们生活在一些较为臭名昭著的街区。这些学区里高中毕业的人不及40%。最终上大学的人更是寥寥无几。A和B用AI搭建了一个智能学习平台Re:Form,召集了一些受过良好人文教育但不被资本青睐的应届生作为学习协调员,并用从XC获取的第一笔风投开启了创业之旅。A和B接着联系了负责一个糟糕学区的一位女性议员C。她们在学区里的学校挨个游说,希望那里的学生能够自主报名她们的一个为期2-3年的教育项目。一开始自主报名的只有不到50人,最后在她们的威逼利诱下终于凑够了约200个人。参加项目的学生里在2-3年后大约有80%最终考上了大学,甚至有十几个人考上了非常著名的学校。那时A大约二十七岁,B二十八岁。A与B紧接着开始增加项目的覆盖率,顶着投资者的压力只接受生活在全国最差的20%学区里的学生。越来越多的教育界IP注意到了她们,也乐意免费给她们制作更加优质的教学视频。

一切似乎都在往好的方向发展,直到最近A和B的平台被教师工会起诉。校长们也对学校必须养着大量不做事又不能被开除的终身教师这件事颇有怨言。出版教科书的印刷界巨头开始向A和B疯狂施压,对Re:Form发起了各种莫名其妙的版权诉讼。这段时间A和B除了处理法律问题之外什么都没干。A想把那些人全部扔进绞肉机。

“你说我们到底图什么呢?”当时B在电话那头问。A不知该怎么回答。对于A来说她创业的动机一部分是出于恐惧。A出身中产,接着从中产跌落,再之后因为机缘巧合重新回到了被资本浇满钱币的赛道上。A觉得自己远远配不上身边的人对她的期待与敬佩,并时刻在为自己的下一次跌落做心理准备。另一部分动机或许是出于某种信念。A觉得在某些最根本的层面上,人和人之间并没有太大的差别。当人们生于不幸或是遭遇不幸时,总得有个安全网去接住他们,让他们能够重来一次,A想。“但为什么,为什么他们不明白!”,A对着空气生气地大喊。

“因为他们和我们一样是人,那些教师也不想被替代、被牺牲。他们中的大多人也拥有需要养活的家庭。那些当权者也是人,他们不想就这么放弃他们多年以来掌权的王国。最后,你也是人,小A,好好休息吧”,B说。

“是啊,我也是人”,A重复,“我也是人啊”, A握紧了手里的纸碎片。

A最终决定放弃刷手机,又回到了自己的大脑里。这次潜意识占据了大脑的一半空间。

此时A的大脑中心有着一颗巨大的光球,散着温暖又炫目的光。光球下躺着一圈她爱着的人,他们微笑着,呼吸均匀,双眼紧闭。A将自己的体味置换成某种复杂的花香,缓缓走到每个人的面前,低吻,拥抱。有时候她会将一些人唤醒,与他们开心地对谈,然后做爱…

概率开始了它的选择。半梦半醒中,A又一次感到了那股像打喷嚏一样的前兆。她并不惊讶,并做好了准备,承受大脑的风暴。但这次似乎有些不一样。A觉得她的大脑受到了非常沉重的击打。一下一下地将她的自我砸碎。A想拿起她的手机,但她连一根手指都抬不起来。突然,不知为什么,她的手里出现了手机,于是她赶忙摁下了母亲的电话,接通,松了一口气。挂掉电话后,她猛然意识到刚才她其实只是在做梦,她的身体与大脑还在经历这场不太寻常的风暴。她开始有些害怕了。

一开始,A脑子里的肿瘤有30%的可能性是在她30岁前对大脑造成损害,70%的可能性是会相安无事地伴随她直至死亡。而近期A受到了非常多的压力,以至于前者概率增加了不少。此时,A的脑瘤压迫住了她的大脑神经,侵袭了她的一部分认知能力,并造成了一定的脑出血。A感受到了一股强烈的引力,似乎想要将她拖拽到深渊。

A开始直冒冷汗,她没想到自己可能会以这种形式死去。她以非常曲折的方式长大,一些小概率的事件频频落在她的身上。但这些事件最后都化险为夷,让A一步步走到了现在。根据A长久以来培养的“贝叶斯式”直觉,这次也一定能平安度过,A侥幸地想。A卯足了劲儿想要让身体爬起来,她能够清楚地感知到,她的汗水已经浸湿了被子,而身体却被紧紧控制住,动弹不得。脑瘤开始了最后的攻击,它变成了一个大锤,精准的砸在了A仅剩的意识上…

A病逝的时候,B还在处理手上的法律文件。得到这一消息时,B刚到公司,办公椅还没坐热。她呆滞地望着办公桌上她与A的合照,做出了一个决定。

一个月后,B宣布自己从合伙人的职位上辞职,并打算将自己的公司转卖给一家科技巨头。从今往后,B决定只为自己而活。在A去世的那一刻,人类在世纪末前实现财富平等的概率下跌为之前的50%,变为1.5%;实现性别平等的概率下跌为之前的75%,变为3.7%;实现信息平等的概率下跌为之前的87%,变为2%;最后,A会接受B的爱意的概率下跌为之前的100%,变为0%。

The Probability of Love

A doesn’t consider herself a determinist, but she feels that many things in this world are more or less well determined by probability.

Two days ago, A suddenly fell asleep unconsciously at work. She was a little surprised by this. She had been extremely tired before, but mostly she was still able to stay conscious. This unexpected sleep seemed to suggest some kind of threshold crossing that forced her to recalculate her body’s tolerance for overwork. A feels as if her body is a battery that is constantly being used up, and when it is worn out, she will no longer have any value. Her partner B, keenly aware of her voidness, decided to give her a mandatory vacation. After returning back to home, A didn’t know what to do with herself, so she just lay in bed and threw herself into her brain.

A has built a room full of human freezers inside her brain, which seals some of the people she used to like. She walked up to one of the freezing units and looked down at the boy inside. A leaned down and licked his left eyelid for a moment, then the right one. Then she sat down against the unit, her head dropping down over her right hand, then took the boy’s left hand in her left and began a repetitive caress.

This world is too natural, but this naturalness is the most unnatural part. For example, if a coin is tossed enough times, then the overall probability of the coin being heads will remain steady at 50%. However, why not 10%, or 90%? It occurred to A that a shuffled playlist is only natural to humans when it is not randomly shuffled, and then some constants of the universe came to her mind as well, they are just like the result of black-box debugging. Of course, using the computer to metaphor the universe is like trying to generalize a superset with a subset, it is no different than a blind man trying to figure out the shape of the elephant, A thought.

A refocused her eyes on the boy in front of her and scribbled on his body with the pink crayon in his hand. She starts at the corner of his eye, connects to the aorta of the neck, and then the collarbone. A drew a pink heart on the teenager’s chest and a circle on his belly button. This is veritably the eye of life, A can not help but kiss the boy’s belly button. After cutting, A dropped the crayon, and the boy was instantly disintegrated into pieces of three-dimensional geometric blocks, floating up into the air, A sat down on the chair she had just created, replacing the floor of the room with knee-high green grass. She lifted the roof, and the sunlight came down, casting on the skin of the white and silvery juvenile blocks. The scarlet red flesh that was not covered by the skin was in deep contrast to the dark green vegetation. This is so beautiful. A looked at the juvenile blocks like she is looking at a work of art, a refreshing breeze blew through A’s slightly curled hair.

From a young age, A had a strong sense of color and a weak sense of light and shade and structures. In art class, A was always having hard time drawing the right structure of the human body, but her command of color and line made her paintings look complete, just like the tricks used in pre-Renaissance religious painting. A also likes to include some geometry in her paintings. She has an obsession with rational shapes, but in her paintings, these regular boundaries are intruded by irregular lines. 100% regularity and 100% disorder both bored A. One is too predictable and the other is too unpredictable. A has many friends with seemingly contradictory qualities. She sees that as an all-encompassing vitality.

She herself is also a contradictory person. Whenever she ends a relationship, A can’t stop to think about the moments when she lost herself to compromise the other person to maintain the relationship. Her ego is broken down into countless bystanders who constantly laughed at her, accused her, raged at her foolishness, and make her ashamed. In order to stop these chaotic thoughts, A developed a strong sense of hatred. She had to prove her determination to those egos that blamed on her - the only way to be recognized by them again and redeem herself is to dismembering that boy, A thought.

A continued to look at the juvenile block suspended in the air. The impact between the organic and inorganic objects, the contrast between the serene landscape and the bloody chunks of flesh, the excellent ratio of crimson to dark green, soothed A’s mood. The fact that a dead body can’t think and can’t hurt people makes A feel at ease. And you would only belong to me under this absolute suppression, A thought, but didn’t dare to let her other selves know.

B called over and A picked up:
 Before the call ended:
  A picked up (a scrap strip):
   When a scrap strip cannot be further divided:
    Stop.
   When a scrap strip can be continued to be divided by A:
    A tears the scrap strip down the middle.
    A picks up (the scrap strip on the left).
    A picks up (the scrap strip on the right).

The call ended and A had a bunch of scraps of paper in front of him. A always does some small repetitive actions when talking to someone. For example, the last time she spoke with that boy, she was fiddling with a comb tooth by tooth. Eventually one of the tine on the comb was rattled off by her, like an omen.The call from B came at the right time, and A was finally able to pull herself out of her fantasy for a little while.

Relationships have always been a weak bone for A. After a long period of bullying at school and emotional manipulation by her parents at home, A gradually became stubborn, ingratiating and scared of social connections. A vaguely remembers that before she started elementary school, she was a proton, constantly projecting outwardly, willing to bother other people. But later, she began to frequently kill people inside her mind. A felt like a saint for not acting on the actions in her mind. Then later, even when having pleasant conversations with people close to A, she would still involuntarily have fantasies of hurting them. A wanted to see their unbelievable expressions and faces distorted by pain after being hurt by her. When the blade crosses their pupils that reflecting natural light, when a heavy object hits their brilliant brain from the right side…

For A, the worst “enemy” is often invisible. It is hidden in everyone’s mind, in their desires, layered and unpredictable, they even taking on a life of its own. A would rather hope that her enemy is a person whom she can have a fight with. That way she just has get stronger by acquire mixed martial arts, and fight all the suffering in her life like fighting against a monster. However, civilization has evolved so far that the number of people dying from violence in the world is decreasing in every century, and A really can’t find anyone to fight with. Her enemies exist in the superimposed groupthink and group behavior, they are everywhere and can be constantly internalized and reinforced by herself and those around her. Poverty, disease, prejudice, consumerism, social addiction, depression, comparing self to others, involution, anxiety, echo chambers, all of which are much harder to fight than real monsters, A thought.

It was almost 1 a.m., A turned off the lights and opened the porn site. When she was a child, she had frequent sleep paralysis, commonly known as “ghost oppression”. She was scared at first, but gradually got used to it. A would just wait quietly for the storm to pass in her head, then open her eyes and look at her phone before going back to sleep whenever it happens. Sleep paralysis is like a sneeze, A can sense the start of it, but cannot avoid it. Sometimes A could experience the sensation of flying to the ceiling through sleep paralysis; sometimes she would hear various voices in her own head arguing and shouting in her ears in a very real way; sometimes A could see some gorgeous visions of lightning and thunder in her head. She found it interesting, but she didn’t know it was because she had a tumor in her head.

A continued to scroll through the pages, but didn’t click on any videos. Ninety percent of the content on the porn site was still filled with a large amount of male gazing that every time she swiped through the videos it was as if she was panning for gold in a sea of shit. The experience is not as nearly good as listening to people streaming their morning in an audio social networking app. At the beginning of her early relationship, A is still a relatively traditional and exclusive person. It’s not that A doesn’t want to be in a long-term relationship anymore, it’s just that the odds of that happening are too trivial. Besides, there are other more interesting things in the world to do, A thought. Nothing is more interesting than the educational platform that A and his friend B started five years ago.

In the beginning, A and B accepted about 200 students from underprivileged backgrounds. They lived in some of the more notorious neighborhoods. Less than 40 percent of the students in these school districts can eventually be graduated from high school. Not to mention the negligible amount of students who eventually went to college. A and B built Re:Form, an AI-driven learning platform, and brought in human capitals who have good liberal arts education but are not favored by capitalism to serve as learning facilitators, and used the first venture capital they received from XC to launch their company. A and B then contacted a congresswoman C, who are in charge of one of the bad school district. They started to lobbying from school to school in the district, hoping that students there would be willing to enroll in one of their 2-3 year education programs autonomously. They started with less than 50 students enrolled, but eventually they managed to enrolled about 200 students forcefully. About 80% of the students enrolled in the program eventually went on to college after 2-3 years, and a dozen or so even went on to very prestigious schools. A and B then proceeded to increase the program’s reach by accepting more students living in the worst 20% of school districts in the country, despite constant pressures from their investors. More and more educational IPs took notice of them and were happy to produce better quality instructional videos for them for free.

Everything seemed to be going well until recently when A and B’s platform was sued by the teachers’ union. Principals are also complaining about the large number of tenured teachers in their schools they have to keep who don’t do anything and cannot be fired. The printing giants that publish textbooks began to put frantic pressure on A and B, launching various inexplicable copyright lawsuits against Re:Form. A and B were doing nothing but dealing with legal issues, and A wanted to throw all those people into the meat grinder.

“What do you think is the purpose of keep doing this?” B asked on the other end of the phone, and A didn’t know how to answer. A was partly motivated by fear. She was born into a middle-class family, then fell from the class, and then coincidentally returned to the track filled by money poured over by capitalists. A feels that she was far from worthy of the expectations and admiration from the people around her, and has always been preparing herself for her next fall. Another part of her motivation may be a belief she has always had. She believe that at some fundamental level, people are not so different from each other. When people are born or suffered by misfortune, there has to be a safety net to catch them so that they can do it all over again, A thought. “But why, why don’t they understand!” , A shouted angrily against the air.

“Because they’re human just like us, and those teachers don’t want to be replaced or sacrificed. Most of them also have families that need to be fed. Those in power are human, too, and they don’t want to just give up the kingdom they’ve held in power for years. At the end of the day, you’re human too, my poor A. Get some rest”, said B.

“Yeah, I’m human too”, A repeated, “I’m human too”, A clutched the scrap of paper in her hand.

A finally decided to give up swiping her phone and went back to her brain. Right now, her subconscious mind has occupied half of her mind.

At this time, the center of A’s brain has a huge ball of light, radiating warm and dazzling light. Under the ball of light lay a circle of people she loved, they are smiling, breathing evenly, with eyes tightly closed. A replaced her body odor with some sophisticated floral scent and slowly walked up to each of them, kissing them, and hugging them. Sometimes she wakes some of them up, having pleasant conversation with them, and then makes love with them…

Probability begins its selection. Half-asleep, A once again felt that sneeze-like premonition. She wasn’t surprised and was ready to take the storm in her brain. But something seemed different this time. A felt a very heavy blow to her brain. A tried to pick up her phone, but she couldn’t even lift a finger. Suddenly, for some reason, the phone appeared in her hand, so she hurriedly pressed her mother’s number, her mother picked it up, and she breathed with a sigh of relief. After hanging up the phone, she suddenly realized that she was actually just dreaming, and that her body and brain were still going through this not-so-ordinary storm. She started to get a little scared.

At first, there was a 30% chance that the tumor in A’s brain would cause damage to her brain before she turned 30, and a 70% chance that it would stay with her peacefully until she died. However, recently A has been under so much stress that the probability of the former has increased quite a bit. At this point, A’s brain tumor was compressing the nerves in her brain, attacking some of her cognitive abilities and causing some brain hemorrhage.

A began to break out in a cold sweat, she didn’t expect herself to die in this form. She grew up in a very convoluted way, with some small probability events falling on her frequently. But all of these events turned out to be fine and brought A to where she is now. A’s “Bayesian” intuition, which she had developed over time, made she thinks that she would get through this one, too, A thought. A furiously wanted to get up, as she could clearly sense that her sweat was soaking the covers, but her body was being tightly controlled by her mind and was unable to move. The brain tumor began its final attack, turning into a sledgehammer that smashed into A’s remaining consciousness with precision…

At the time of A’s death, B was still working on the legal documents at hand. When she got the news, B had just arrived at the office, and her office chair was not yet warmed by her body. She stared blankly at the photo of her and A on her desk and made a decision.

A month later, B announced her resignation from her position as a partner and her intention to sell her company to a technology giant. From now on, B decides to live only for herself. At the moment of A’s death, the probability that humanity will achieve wealth equality by the end of the century dropped by 50%, to 1.5%; the probability of achieving gender equality dropped by 75%, to 3.7%; the probability of achieving information equality dropped by 87%, to 2%; and finally, the probability that A will accept B’s love affection dropped by 100%, to 0%.

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